Numb- No Stop, Pause or Rewind but push Play

I have not written on here in awhile because in the beginning of the New year after my last written blog I thought I finally had it all figured out. All the power and strength I brought forth to bring me to stand and not fall down to my knees and crumble to the cold floor, I over came. At least I thought... But not until my best friend tapped into my heart with needles did I realize that I was just numb. That afternoon on the table I walked out of the room not thinking anything of her treatment. As the day went on, all of a sudden I fell back into my skin and into my soul. To my surprise I was no longer in sync with my routine. I felt anger towards stupid people and fear reside in my chest from getting closer to beautiful people. I started wanting to condole people I have neglected who needed a hug as I felt their sadness. I didn't know what to do with these strong emotions. You mean i am no longer able to block out that slap in the face that stung for a quick second. I didn't realize I was suppressing any feeling I had with every human being I came in contact with. All of a sudden I was awaken in the present moment to be receptive to how others made me feel. Therefore in the last month prior to her treatment I was not able to write. In some ways I just thought I was at more peace with myself, busy with my hectic schedule and thought one morning or night I would blog again. I kept waiting for the right moment to come to me but it never did. So tonight I blog to you because another friend told me today, "to get over your fears you just need to face them and they will no longer be." So what are my fears???

I fear patterns... I repeat the same cycle and expect different results. I fear i know what my patterns are... I go over them but find it hard to stop them or figure them out. I fear I have to keep experiencing the same dam cycles over and over until I learn the lesson... Really!!! how much karma do I have? I fear I may just start accepting what is given to me...When I am continuously broken I start to know no difference. I fear being too forward... I open my mouth and speak what is on my mind openly and clearly but am too much to handle. I fear I do not speak enough... I choose the wrong words out of haste. I fear being vulnerable...I let it down and give of myself to only be brought back up to a standing position. I fear I might give up too easily out of fear... Or people may give up on me too quickly and let go. I fear I may cross the fine line I walk on... I might stumble in the wrong direction and not be able to get back on my path. I fear being stuck... I fear dropping my guard down... I fear wearing my heart on my sleeve... I fear that life gets too hard some time and will never give me a break... I fear I fear telling you that I am fearful right now... I will write these words down and show the world my secrets.

But it's ok as I laugh under my breath because I do not fear what you may think of me. Now I know I have just contradicted myself. I say I fear telling the world my secrets but as I reread my fears I have just expressed, I no longer fear them in my heart. Almost like I was in a booth at church repenting my sins to be able to feel again and be freed. Now go say three Hail Marys and five Our Fathers and you will be forgiven and fear will begone...

We all have fears but do you acknowledge them? Try writing them down to bring them into your awareness. It may feel hard at first but you do not need to blog them to the whole wide world for people to read like I am doing. Lol Sit in a quiet place, lay down on your floor, go outside or put your headphones to your eardrums in the dark as I do, pick up your pen and paper and write drastically down your fears. As you go over what holds you back through fear, they will be placed in your past and will no longer serve you. Your mind will feel clearer, your voice will become a little louder and you will be free. You will rewind your tape player, listen to your music you created and then fast forward. Now stop on your favorite track. Music is what feelings sound like........It's only when you hit pause you no longer feel...When you hit stop you fear...Rewind and you are not sure or confident about yourself... But when you hit play you will own your life and then own it a little more...Go on go do it...what is holding you back? Fast forward to where you need to be...FEARLESS.....